Yesterday in the shower I was thinking about the message at church yesterday (the shower is always a good place for reflection for me). The sermon was titled “I am Afflicted” and discussed how being a Christian isn’t a free pass on suffering, rather it is a guarantee you will suffer. Strangely, this was comforting. I guess before I felt like God was purposefully torturing me with the death of our daughter, that I did something wrong, or that he just didn’t care. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. The sermon touched on Job, who was put under enormous amounts of suffering to bring glory to God. God didn’t orchestrate his suffering, but rather allowed Satan to torture him, because he knew Job would stay faithful. Our suffering is the same way. If there were no suffering, there would be no Gospel. How we react to our suffering is what brings God glory. So while He doesn’t like to see our suffering, how we deal with it can help bring others to him. So I guess he allowed this to happen because he knew we could handle it, and that it could somehow bring Glory to his name. That gives me so much peace.

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I also thought about how our Addison saved her future brothers and sisters. Through losing her, I found out about my condition, incompetent cervix, and will have surgery to fix it. The surgeon told me my chances of carrying to full term are near 100% with this surgery, and I’m so excited to get it and be “fixed.” The only real way to find out you have it is for something like this to happen, unfortunately. Her siblings will know her life, however short, was for a purpose. I pray that this doesn’t cause them guilt, but rather gratitude. I love you, my angel.