Grieving

This last week I have slid backwards in the grieving process a bit. I guess that’s to be expected. It’s always a few steps forward and then one or two back. Maybe it’s not really backwards, but just moving through the stages…

I keep getting stuff in the mail from things I filled out while pregnant. Stuff to “welcome home baby.” My stomach ties in knots some days when I get the mail, and others times it’s ok. Thats the emotional yo-yo of grief. A lady from Pottery Barn called to invite me to a nursery decorating workshop the other day and I tried to interrupt her several times before I could tell her that I would not be attending, as there no longer was a baby to welcome. I felt bad for her, she was so cheerful, and got so quiet and apologetic. I couldn’t help but think that’s what I should’ve been doing, planning the nursery, ordering clothes, researching bassinets… It brought me back to my grief, shoved everything I had been trying to sort out right back in my face.

It seems like everyone I know is pregnant right now, and while that’s fantastic, it’s also hard, especially as I approach my due date. It’s hard to watch and cheer for people who are experiencing something I so desperately wanted, but was torn away from me. For some reason, I’m more ok with some than others, and that seems really unfair, but it’s true. I’m so so happy for those ladies getting their rainbow babies. I want to shout from the rooftops for them. They give me hope. They show me that there will be better days, and that I can survive, and can be happy again.

I can’t help but be a bit jealous of those women who can get (and stay) pregnant without a hitch. It is something so many take for granted. I know I did before our loss. I guess it’s a common feeling for mothers with angel babies. So many of the women I’ve talked to feel the same way. So please don’t take offense if you’re pregnant. It just brings all of my emotions to the surface when I see you. I see myself in your faces, and my sweet angel in your belly, and sometimes it hurts. I still love you all, and your gorgeous babies, but please don’t be taken aback if I am a little sad, or if I don’t seem as excited as I should be. It’s just still too raw for me.

Every time I see someone complaining about some symptom of pregnancy, I think how I would love to be experiencing that right now. How I would give anything to have morning sickness, swollen, aching feet, and an internal temperature of 5000 degrees. They are so lucky. After my surgery is out of the way, I hope to be experiencing some of those things again. I understand now the depth of the pain of losing a child. But I am lucky, too. This surgery will “cure” me. So many women don’t have that opportunity, and my heart breaks for them. Everyone keeps telling us that we will have more babies, and I pray they are right, but nothing can replace our daughter.

It’s funny how things like this make you see who really cares. It has been such a blessing to see the support we have gotten from our friends and family, and even people we barely know or have been out of touch with for years. Inversely, some people we thought would be there for us were not. Tragedy often sorts things out like that I suppose. I try not to be bitter about it, but rather take it for what it is. Better to know I guess.

Sorry to ramble, but I think it helps me to write these things down and get them out into the universe. I get nervous people will take offense, but I’m trying to think less about what people might think. I’m a “people-pleaser” and will bend over backwards to make others happy, often at my own expense. It is not a healthy way to function, and I’m trying to remedy it. That said, I love you all and wish you good night! Muah!

Brave Little Soul

I borrowed this from the Abbyloopers forum, many thanks to the individual who posted it. Her warning to grab a tissue was a good advice. 

 

The Brave Little Soul

By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, “Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this – it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer – to unlock this love – to create this miracle – for the good of all humanity.” 

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, “I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!” God smiled and said, “You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. 

In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

TAC in T minus 1 Month!

One month from today, I will be headed for Chicago to have a TAC placed. A TAC (or trans-abdominal cerclage) is a stitch placed very high on the cervix that prevents it from dilating prematurely. Most OBs, including mine, recommend a TVC (or trans-vaginal cerclage) that is performed vaginally, and placed much lower on the cervix. After researching both procedures, I discovered that the success rate for a TAC was about 95-98% to FULL TERM, while a TVC was “successful” about 75% of the time to VIABILITY. Viability is considered 24 weeks. This was not acceptable to me. Most doctors will only recommend a TAC after a loss with a TVC, which I think is insane. It’s like these doctors don’t consider these babies as real humans. If this procedure affected adults I’m sure there would be no controversy. I know these are bold words, but I just don’t understand how they can recommend TVCs. I could not live with myself if I went that route and lost another child.

PROS: 1) This will fix me. I will be able to carry a baby full term and can have a normal pregnancy. The surgeon told me he could give me a 100% chance that I will not lose another baby to IC. Wow. 2) No bed rest (unless other issues present, of course). He said that I could do whatever a normal pregnant person would do, as as soon as the crappy cervix is out of the picture, I will be normal. NORMAL. Double wow. 3) No stress. Ok that’s a lie, but I will know I did everything in my power to make sure the next pregnancy goes as well as possible. 4) The TAC is permanent. Once it’s in, it’s there for however many pregnancies I want.

CONS: 1) The biggest drawback of the TAC is that I will have to have a C-section. At this point, I couldn’t care less. As long as baby is happy and healthy, I can handle some slicing. Obviously it’s not my first choice, but having a crappy cervix wasn’t either. 2) Another con is that I have to have surgery to have it placed. It’s an incision similar to a c-section, and recovery will be several weeks. I’m not looking forward to that part of it, but the relief I know I will feel will definitely outweigh it.

For me there is no hesitation. After my consult with Dr. Haney (my TAC surgeon) I immediately asked when I could get it done. I’m super excited about getting it done, though a little nervous about going under. I know it will be ok though. Dr. Haney has an amazing record.

And for those of you wondering, the stitch is like a handcuff, its a circle that allows certain things in and out, but as the baby gets big, it won’t let her through. It provides the support that a normal cervix would, but can’t stretch like a regular one, hence the c-section.

The countdown begins! 1 month to go!

Strength in suffering

Yesterday in the shower I was thinking about the message at church yesterday (the shower is always a good place for reflection for me). The sermon was titled “I am Afflicted” and discussed how being a Christian isn’t a free pass on suffering, rather it is a guarantee you will suffer. Strangely, this was comforting. I guess before I felt like God was purposefully torturing me with the death of our daughter, that I did something wrong, or that he just didn’t care. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. The sermon touched on Job, who was put under enormous amounts of suffering to bring glory to God. God didn’t orchestrate his suffering, but rather allowed Satan to torture him, because he knew Job would stay faithful. Our suffering is the same way. If there were no suffering, there would be no Gospel. How we react to our suffering is what brings God glory. So while He doesn’t like to see our suffering, how we deal with it can help bring others to him. So I guess he allowed this to happen because he knew we could handle it, and that it could somehow bring Glory to his name. That gives me so much peace.

I also thought about how our Addison saved her future brothers and sisters. Through losing her, I found out about my condition, incompetent cervix, and will have surgery to fix it. The surgeon told me my chances of carrying to full term are near 100% with this surgery, and I’m so excited to get it and be “fixed.” The only real way to find out you have it is for something like this to happen, unfortunately. Her siblings will know her life, however short, was for a purpose. I pray that this doesn’t cause them guilt, but rather gratitude. I love you, my angel.

Burdens lifted

Today was an amazing day. Yesterday I was stressed out about a bunch of financial issues that seemed like they were going to be very serious for us. I wasn’t sure what we were going to do to fix it, I just couldn’t see a way out. I prayed that I could let go of the stress and that God could show us a way. Well, today, 2 of them completely resolved. I just couldn’t believe it.

Worry, stress, and anxiety are not productive.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matt 6:25-27 NIV

It’s so much easier said than done, but it is so true. What do I gain from worry? Nothing. It has serious consequences on my health and effects how I treat others around me. Like the verse above says, can stressing about it add a single hour to my life? Nope.

Learning to let go isn’t easy, but I’m working on it. Some yoga, hot tea, and a relaxing bath work wonders, as does a nice glass of wine. God is good, and despite everything, I’m learning to trust him again.

Heaven bound

I came across this quote in a book I’m reading (The House of the Spirits, by Isabel Allende). The book is rapidly becoming one of my favorites.

“Just as when we come into this world, when we die we are afraid of the unknown. But the fear is something from within us that has nothing to do with reality. Dying is like being born: just a change.”

My little girl was born and died all at once, so I do not believe she experienced any fear. I do regret that I could not hold her close while she passed, but the doctors were trying to save her. I hope she could not feel the tubes and other medical instruments, but passed peacefully into the angel’s arms.

Her passing has made death seem so much closer, like veil that all of us are barely this side of. Passing through it is so easy. I think this has caused me a considerable amount of anxiety, as I am terrified of losing more people I love, as well as of my own mortality. I do know she will be there waiting for me, and that is encouraging. We will have so much to catch up on.

Broken hearts

Well, it’s been a while since I posted, and a lot has been going on in our lives since July. Shortly after my last post, and before we moved into the house, we found out we were pregnant. We were both so excited and a little bit nervous. Though my intuition told me earlier, at 18 weeks, we found out we were having a little girl. Besides a little nausea and some heartburn, my pregnancy was going well. We picked out the sweetest bedding at Pottery Barn, a neutral tan color with little owls, and planned a shower for February. I read about the best ways to prepare for a baby, and cut out anything remotely questionable out of my diet. I talked to her all the time, telling her how beautiful and smart she was and how much fun we would have together.

However, on December 8th when I was 23 weeks pregnant, I started not feeling well. I felt cramps, similar to menstrual pains, and saw a tiny bit of blood, so I decided to go to the hospital just to ease my fear. B was at work, so I drove myself. They told me everything looked good. The baby was kicking up a storm, and her heart rate was perfect. The nurse told me I was probably dehydrated, and they discharged me.

All that night the cramping continued, and started to become more painful. Around 6am I returned to the hospital, feeling like there was still so,etching wrong. The nurse finally checked my cervix, and ran out of the room. Another nurse came in and while she rapidly hooked me up to an IV, she told me I needed to call my husband and he needed to get there ASAP. With tears in my eyes I asked her if I was dilating. She told me I was completely dilated and was going to have the baby soon. I was not prepared for this.

After that, everything happened quite fast. B and a friend of mine arrived shortly after my OB, who gravely told me this was not good. He said he suspected that I had a condition called incompetent cervix, and would need a cerclage in future pregnancies. Basically my cervix could not handle the weight of a growing baby, and opened prematurely. He did an u/s to see how our baby was positioned. She was breech with the cord around her neck. The hospital called a special neonatal team to fly in from out of state, and they delayed her birth until after they arrived. Suddenly there were people everywhere, talking to me about viability, asking how much we wanted done. They said they would life flight her to Utah, but that I couldn’t go, though B could. I prayed that God would let me keep my baby.

He did not. After a few pushes, my beautiful baby girl was born. I remember the second they cut the cord and she was forever separated from me. B followed her to the room where they tried to get her to breathe. A few minutes later a solemn woman came in to talk to me. She didn’t have to say anything, but she told me they did all they could. My heart was ripped in two. I hated my body, my doctor, and the nurse that sent me home the night before.

They brought her in to us shortly after, I was not ready to see her and was crying hysterically. She was so perfect, I did not understand how this could be happening. Her skin was still so warm and she was bigger than I thought. She had long legs and fingers, downy hair, and her daddy’s ears. We named her Addison Grace.

The next several days were a blur. We learned how to make funeral arrangements, post an obituary, and how to tell people our daughter was dead.

She will always be our daughter, our firstborn child, and I will always think about the beautiful little girl, and then woman, she would have become. When we have more children, God willing, they will know about their sister.

Just waiting on the bank..

Well the house finally passed final inspection, yay! Here are some pictures of the house in all it’s glory.

So pretty! Now we need to landscape…

We are waiting on a converter for the stove, so it will work on propane.

Fridge! With water and ice dispenser! We are moving on up!

I’m so excited to try this baby out! We’ve never had a dishwasher before!

This is the ugly giant whole they cut to be able to have access to the tub workings. They want to just cover the hole with a piece of white plastic. Ummm no. They need to find a better method.

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Almost done!

We got some handy little downspout thingys

And our real door knobs and locks (they had different ones on during construction)

Propane tank for the heater and fireplace.

House numbers!!

Doggie door! We will be needing to make steps.. Haha

Inside view of dog door

It is so hard waiting these last few days. I am dreaming about seeing all of our stuff inside and putting all our things away. We haven’t seen a huge portion of our stuff for nearly 3 years. Crazy huh?

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Lighting