This last week I have slid backwards in the grieving process a bit. I guess that’s to be expected. It’s always a few steps forward and then one or two back. Maybe it’s not really backwards, but just moving through the stages…
I keep getting stuff in the mail from things I filled out while pregnant. Stuff to “welcome home baby.” My stomach ties in knots some days when I get the mail, and others times it’s ok. Thats the emotional yo-yo of grief. A lady from Pottery Barn called to invite me to a nursery decorating workshop the other day and I tried to interrupt her several times before I could tell her that I would not be attending, as there no longer was a baby to welcome. I felt bad for her, she was so cheerful, and got so quiet and apologetic. I couldn’t help but think that’s what I should’ve been doing, planning the nursery, ordering clothes, researching bassinets… It brought me back to my grief, shoved everything I had been trying to sort out right back in my face.
It seems like everyone I know is pregnant right now, and while that’s fantastic, it’s also hard, especially as I approach my due date. It’s hard to watch and cheer for people who are experiencing something I so desperately wanted, but was torn away from me. For some reason, I’m more ok with some than others, and that seems really unfair, but it’s true. I’m so so happy for those ladies getting their rainbow babies. I want to shout from the rooftops for them. They give me hope. They show me that there will be better days, and that I can survive, and can be happy again.
I can’t help but be a bit jealous of those women who can get (and stay) pregnant without a hitch. It is something so many take for granted. I know I did before our loss. I guess it’s a common feeling for mothers with angel babies. So many of the women I’ve talked to feel the same way. So please don’t take offense if you’re pregnant. It just brings all of my emotions to the surface when I see you. I see myself in your faces, and my sweet angel in your belly, and sometimes it hurts. I still love you all, and your gorgeous babies, but please don’t be taken aback if I am a little sad, or if I don’t seem as excited as I should be. It’s just still too raw for me.
Every time I see someone complaining about some symptom of pregnancy, I think how I would love to be experiencing that right now. How I would give anything to have morning sickness, swollen, aching feet, and an internal temperature of 5000 degrees. They are so lucky. After my surgery is out of the way, I hope to be experiencing some of those things again. I understand now the depth of the pain of losing a child. But I am lucky, too. This surgery will “cure” me. So many women don’t have that opportunity, and my heart breaks for them. Everyone keeps telling us that we will have more babies, and I pray they are right, but nothing can replace our daughter.
It’s funny how things like this make you see who really cares. It has been such a blessing to see the support we have gotten from our friends and family, and even people we barely know or have been out of touch with for years. Inversely, some people we thought would be there for us were not. Tragedy often sorts things out like that I suppose. I try not to be bitter about it, but rather take it for what it is. Better to know I guess.
Sorry to ramble, but I think it helps me to write these things down and get them out into the universe. I get nervous people will take offense, but I’m trying to think less about what people might think. I’m a “people-pleaser” and will bend over backwards to make others happy, often at my own expense. It is not a healthy way to function, and I’m trying to remedy it. That said, I love you all and wish you good night! Muah!