This weekend was a little rough for me. It was our 6th anniversary, and last year on our anniversary we announced my pregnancy with Addison. We also signed the papers to move into our house, so it was a very exciting time. I thought it was so amazing that I would be pregnant when we moved in, and that she would spend her childhood here. I planned her room, and imagined everything with her in mind. When we lost her, I couldn’t go into her room for weeks. And to me, it is still HER room.
I really hoped that this year, we could make another announcement on our anniversary. We will never replace her, but I want more than anything to bring a baby home. My body (yet again) is not cooperating. I was not expecting this as we were able to get pregnant with her so quickly. I feel so betrayed by my own flesh. Now that I have my “bionic cervix” I was supposed to be fixed.
My doctor (whom I LOVE, such a difference from my old OB!) has put me on several fertility drugs, but nothing is happening. I know I need to give it time, its only been 4 months since my surgery, and 1 month since I started taking the meds, but so many women in my online groups are getting pregnant right away. While I’m happy for them, I don’t understand why it’s not happing for us. Haven’t we been through enough?
My doctor says all my hormone levels and ovarian reserve look good, but I’m not ovulating. It could be due to stress, but I’ve always been a little ball of stress… I’d love to try acupuncture or other holistic alternative, but I live in a town where the cashiers ask you what tofu tastes like when you check out… I feel like such an island sometimes. I miss Davis, where I was “normal.” I feel like I’m fighting everything everyday.
This week was also tough for other reasons. The lady leading the rescue I got my mare from tuned out to be neglecting her own horses. The pictures were horrifying. I don’t understand how people can be the way they are. It’s exhausting trying to fight with everyone for what I feel is right. Every day my Facebook feed is full of animals of all kinds, betrayed by their caretakers, innocents who deserve a good life. It makes me so incredibly sad.
So many people in this town seem to not care. My across-the-street neighbor leaves his beautiful husky in a kennel all day and all night, chained as well because she tries to escape; who can blame her? Every time I walk by, I just want to cry. Can you imagine? Solitary confinement for your whole life. Feeding an animal does NOT equal proper care. It’s so frustrating.
I have had 2 different farriers out to trim my horses hooves, and both told me that hose slaughter was “necessary” and one says that he sells ones he breeds to the kill buyers if they “don’t earn their keep.” It makes my stomach churn. Since when does an animal owe you anything? How is not being a good rodeo horse warrant painful execution? Why can’t I find people with a heart here?
I’m hoping this next week and weekend things start looking up. Please keep us in your prayers.